At this point, my audience know that I live a go-go lifestyle. Scotch, burritos, and jet-setting around the country are standard fare. Waking up in strange places wondering where I am, who is next to me, and where the bloody hell are my pants is just another day in the life; so it’s no surprise that this time I found myself at George H.W. Bush Intercontinental Airport, suited up, and craving some nourishment. Lo and behold, I come across La Salsa Pronto! It appears to be the cliff notes version of the regional chain La Salsa. So put your seats and tray tables in their upright and locked position, and please be prepared for lots of turbulence.
Papa Pino has always been a stickler for punctuality and preparedness, so he dropped me off several hours early for my return flight to the District. Here’s a traveler’s tip for all you loyal fans of Pino de Gallo: dress like you’re important; it helps you justify running through the airport, knocking over little kids and old ladies, and lets you get through security without the porno-cancer scan or the TSA deep tissue massage (unless you’re into that sort of thing). The last few times I’ve flown I’ve gotten neither… which was slightly disappointing after all the internet hype about the TSA’s Nazi-communist big brother machine of violation that is the gate keeper to flying. Next time I’ll be sure to get out of my east coast private university educated ivory tower and dress like a “real” American.
After making sure my cuff links were visible for the TSA agents, and flying through security (remember: big shot), I mosey into the the feeding trough at the center of terminal C and figure this is as good a place as any to get a burrito review going. Hop in line, glance up at the menu and decide to go for the basic “grande” burrito. Listed at $6.49 – charbroiled chicken, guacamole, sour cream, salsa, cheese, lettuce, rice and beans. At a full La Salsa location, there is a variety of, wait for it…. salsas at their all you can eat and dip salsa buffet; but at the abbreviated location (thus the “Pronto!“) the salsas are pre-dished out in little plastic cups. I opt for the “buena” salsa and the pico de gallo. While the pico sufficed, the buena salsa was no buena. In fact, I would be bold enough to say that it was salsa mala (feel free to go to google translate for that one).
The “charbroiled” chicken was like that “nice” guy one of your female friends is dating – seems structurally sound but was tragically born without a personality… or in the case of the chicken – flavor. And in this void of flavor, this absence of tastebud arousal, I had hoped that the cheese and the guacamole would swoop in like Spiderman and kiss me upside down in the rain (my teeth are much better than Kirsten Dunst’s though) . Instead, they left me hanging out to dry, worse than the opening to Cliffhanger. In my very wordy, roundabout, simile riddled way, I am saying that I was totally skimped on quality and quantity of both the guacamole and the cheese. Surprisingly, the rice was the Optimus Prime in this dying Cybertron shitstorm, because it was more than meets the eye. It did not look very appealing but it actually wasn’t that bad. Maybe that was just in comparison to the rest of it, but the bites of rice were mildly pleasant.
The end result was a not very tasty, undersized, overpriced, airline-food style burrito. Everything’s bigger in Texas… except the food at their enormous airports. Word of advice young travelers, if you are in the Bush Intercontinental Airport, skip La Salsa Pronto, go for Panda Express or something, at least their panda lo mein is tasty. Verdict: 1/5 sombreros