The Beefy Crunch Burrito incident


Finally something worth fighting for! You see that Libya? We yearn for things too!

This past Sunday in San Antonio, there was a Mexican standoff… of the fast food sorts. While not technically a “Mexican Standoff” in the traditional sense, but rather one between authorities and a man who wanted some Taco Bell. I’m going to breakdown this story courtesy of  My San

“The price of the Beefy Crunch Burrito had gone up from 99 cents to $1.49 and the man at the Rigsby Road Taco Bell drive-thru had just ordered seven.”

Well, where to start? First of all, I blame Obama for driving this country into the ground behind his secret Muslim communist Nazi policies. It is my right as an “American” to be able to stuff myself with cheap “meat” until I get morbidly obese, type II diabetes, and demand Medicare! Is it really a surprise that San Antonio is consistently one of the Top 10 fattest cities in America?! (Please note that Washington DC is the 2nd fittest according to this metric).

“The fast food customer was so disgruntled by the price hike he shot an air gun at the manager, displayed an assault rifle and pistol while in the restaurant’s parking lot, fled as police were called, and pointed one of his weapons at three officers who pulled him over. Fleeing when they opened fire, he barricaded himself in his hotel room — all over $3.50 plus additional tax.”

Psh, who needs gun control? I can tell you who doesn’t need it, and I’ll give you a hint, it starts with “T” and ends with “exas”. But obviously it’s ridiculous to put restrictions on gun use and ownership, because people are reasonable and responsible. And pulling out one or more guns is a totally reasonable reaction to a price change that was probably a decree from corporate anyways. I’m sure his response would have been even more reasonable (read: bigger guns) if he was allowed to carry in a bar, because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that guns and alcohol mix really well.

And on a similar note, when I moved to Texas, I was shocked by so many things, but amongst them were the following – 1) On my first day of class, wait, not just first day, but very first class, after I walk in and say I’m in this class, some girl says “Oh! You just moved here? From where?” “Connecticut,” I reply. Her follow up question? It wasn’t “what’s your name” or “when did you get here”, it was “What religion are you?”; And 2) People in Texas were shocked that I had not a) ridden a horse and b) fired a gun. When would I ever have to do either of those in suburban Connecticut? I guess if I was a true yuppy, I would be big into polo and the biathlon (yes, you ski and shoot of course!). Anyways, that never made much sense to me.

“All three of his weapons were found to be air-powered and not firearms.”

Well that was kind of anti-climactic. If you’re going to be brandishing firearms… they should be actual firearms. Especially over something as important as burritos.

“Restaurant manager Brian Tillerson, 41, said his employees told him a customer was upset about the price of the Beefy Crunch Burrito.

“They did use to be 99 cents, but that was just a promotion,” Tillerson said. “He pointed a gun at me, and he fired it. I leaned to the side and there was a pop but nothing happened.”

Tillerson said the police later found a BB, but the following five minutes “were pretty crazy,” he said.”

Pretty crazy, huh? The other patrons must have been thinking “these burritos must be pretty effin’ good if this guy is willing to take out one of his guns, so I better get one. Wait, it was just a BB gun? He must not be a real Texan. Never mind then. Thank Lord Jesus Christ (he died for our sins) that this is one of those dual Taco Bell/KFC’s.” That’s verbatim from a Texan. I swear.

“The final incident in the burrito-triggered spree…”

Vegas has set the odds of this being in my obituary at 3:2. “Pulitzer Prize Winner” is set at roughly 400,000:1.

“Fewer than two miles away, at W.W. White Road and Hershey Drive, officers spotted the suspect and two patrol units pulled over the car, Benavides said. As the officers got out of their cars, the man got out of his car carrying the assault rifle in his hands and pointing it at the officers.

From there, the man sped off to the Rodeway Inn in the 200 block of North W.W. White Road just a few blocks away from Interstate 10.

It was about 3 p.m., and the man refused to come out.”

Mexican standoff! As in a standoff… wait for it… with a Mexican! San Antonio sounds like a downright lovely place.

“Sharpshooters climbed up on the roof of the Sky Line Food Mart next to the motel. Police blocked off W.W. White in both directions. They evacuated some nearby businesses and some of the rooms in the motel.

Through a megaphone the negotiator could be heard telling the man to pick up the phone.”

This seems like a completely reasonable response to a ridiculous man and his totally sane reaction to a price change. Glad we’re all on the same page.

Pictured above: Totally reasonable response

“No one needs to get hurt,” the negotiator said.

Around 6:30 p.m., and without a reply from the man inside, SWAT used tear gas to clear the room, Benavides said.”

Yeah, from what I hear, tear gas tickles! Doesn’t hurt at all!

Is that really the best tactic anyways? This guy clearly has a high threshold for pain. He was attempted to buy seven burritos at Taco Bell. Maybe he’s not immune to tear gas, but he must have intestines of steel. Or a large supply of adult diapers.

“Ricardo Jones, 37, was charged with two felony counts of aggravated assault against a public servant.

Jones was in the Bexar County Jail on bail totaling $50,000. No one was injured in the incident.”

Ricky… you’ve got some ‘scplaining to do!

“The weird thing is,” Tillerson said, “He was here a week ago around the same time last Sunday. He yelled at me then too.”

Really? That’s the weird thing? A guy buying 7 burritos or brandishing a weapon or a standoff near your restaurant isn’t weird, but some lunatic  being rude on more than one occasion is? Well, I give up.

Plus, what I noticed most from the story was the restaurant the SWAT team chose to sit on. The Home of the Original Jalapeno Fried Chicken? That sounds amazing! Why didn’t he just go there in the first place?

"Alpha squad is holding position on delicious. I repeat, on delicious."

Original story (sent to me by Mabeuf!):


One thought on “The Beefy Crunch Burrito incident

  1. Hello,

    I wanted a chance to explain myself. You see, I was having a terrible week. It started off 7 days prior to this incident when I was originally told the price of the ever-so-delicious-and-nutritious Beefy Crunch Burrito was going up by $.50. If there’s one thing I hate more than atheists, it’s price hikes! First Obamacare, now this? When will I ever get reprieve from the commies? But I digest.

    Later in the week my Rascal Scooter, the official mobility scooter of NASCAR and the San Antonio Northwest Church of Christ, broke down, leaving me to use my own legs like some servant. So by the time I got to the drive-thru at Taco Bell, fully loaded with my air rifles in case a gay tries to get married in front of me, I was mad something fierce! This rage caused me to hallucinate and imagine the Taco Bell manager as an Al Qaeda sleeper cell, so I did what my Christian upbringing told me to do, shoot first and let Allah sort them out. In hindsight, perhaps I should have checked first. But I won’t apologize for loving this country. I just want to eat tacos at a reasonable price and protect our borders from homo muslim socialists, just like the Bible says I should.

    Ricardo “Congenital Heart Failure” Jones


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