Clickhole style internet dump

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It’s been a wild week on the internet. The world caught fire when it turned out that an old racist man is still racist and the world was shocked when an old white dude that doesn’t recognize the federal government also turned out to be racist. The girl that was given a fat lip by America’s sweetheart in Superbad, Emma Stone, took it to Jimmy Fallon at this own game in a lip sync battle. After all that, it seemed there was no room on the internet for anything else… the tubes were at capacity!

Or so we thought. And with a nod to The Onion’s upcoming new website Clickhole.com, (and with scorn to the websites it’s parodying, let’s call them Buzzworthy and UpFeed), I’ll give you a few quick clicks from the burrito corner of the internet (which I envision as a green pixelated food truck). So get your pointers ready to fill your clickhole!

Despite all that’s going on in the world, this man had the brilliant idea to miniaturize something we love and throw it up on youtube.

 

I like the look of this burrito. Well crafted, light on the ingredients, but they’re hand selected and I understand it’s a small venue. Tortilla isn’t steamed, but I’ll let that one slide. But that hamster… he’s a fiend! Barely chews, inhales not one but two burritos… I’ve never felt this kind of connection to an animal before. It’s like we were cut from the same tortilla. I also have to give the chef credit on the ambiance of his tiny establishment. (Thank you to the many people who sent me this by the way)

And finally, I’ve enjoyed a good Matthew McConaughey rom-com in my day, although I’m not quite the aficionado that my roommate Hustle Russell is, but I think that most roms and rom-coms could be easily upgraded (and shortened) if they looked more like this. (I refuse to give credit to the source, but let’s just say it rhymes with “Smuzzfeed”)

That’s all for now. I should be back with a review next week.

But speaking of internets, clickholes, and social media type things, did you know that Pino de Gallo has both a Facebook page and a Twitter account? They really exist. That’s how dedicated to this blog I am; I threw down the money to set up those pages, the least you can do is like/follow them. Be the first to know when a new post is up!

Follow this: Pino de Gallo on Twitter
And like this: on Facebook

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Dinner & quick words from Coach

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My prowess is not limited to the written word

This was my dinner two nights ago. Ingredients were as follows:

– Crock pot cooked carnitas made from some pork I bought at the farmers’ market (buy local!)
– Goya yellow rice cooked in chicken broth
– Whole Foods fresh guacamole (a-ma-zing)
– Organic spicy refried beans
– Pico de gallo with added corn
– Wrapped in a Mission flour tortilla
– Wash it down with a Red Strip tall boy

Me after two burritos - fat, adorable, and asleep

Ended up being a little bit drippy, but on the second one I ate (yes, I ate two of these), I made sure to drain off the extra. It was delicious, but I really needed a steamer and a larger tortilla. I’d give it 3.5 sombreros, if I do say so myself.

In other news, Peter Gett aka “Soft G” aka Coach, purveyor of http://www.PeterGett.com, went to a Burritup (meet up with burritos; clever eh?) organized via Twitter   in Boston. It included Boloco and Anna’s Taqueria burritos. He wrote up a quick review PdG style on his blog. Check it out at: The Burritup. Excerpt below –

Last Thursday my lovely fiance Ari and I attended the third annual Burritup, an event that celebrates burritos and the power of social media to bring people together (but mostly burritos). It was organized by NH native and all-around legendary event planner Christine Major, and was held in two locations; Boloco on the Common and Anna’s Taqueria near the Charles/MGH stop on the Red Line. Before a review of the event, I’ll throw in a quick burrito review for both venues so my friend Tom Pino of Pino de Gallo can use this post for his own personal gain.

Boloco – The special deal for Burritup attendees at Boloco was to get two mini burritos and a drink for $5, a heck of a deal if I do say so myself. I went with a Goloco, which is a burrito that one can completely customize, instead of something off the normal menu.

Read the rest! 

The Beefy Crunch Burrito incident

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Finally something worth fighting for! You see that Libya? We yearn for things too!

This past Sunday in San Antonio, there was a Mexican standoff… of the fast food sorts. While not technically a “Mexican Standoff” in the traditional sense, but rather one between authorities and a man who wanted some Taco Bell. I’m going to breakdown this story courtesy of  My San Antonio.com.

“The price of the Beefy Crunch Burrito had gone up from 99 cents to $1.49 and the man at the Rigsby Road Taco Bell drive-thru had just ordered seven.”

Well, where to start? First of all, I blame Obama for driving this country into the ground behind his secret Muslim communist Nazi policies. It is my right as an “American” to be able to stuff myself with cheap “meat” until I get morbidly obese, type II diabetes, and demand Medicare! Is it really a surprise that San Antonio is consistently one of the Top 10 fattest cities in America?! (Please note that Washington DC is the 2nd fittest according to this metric).

“The fast food customer was so disgruntled by the price hike he shot an air gun at the manager, displayed an assault rifle and pistol while in the restaurant’s parking lot, fled as police were called, and pointed one of his weapons at three officers who pulled him over. Fleeing when they opened fire, he barricaded himself in his hotel room — all over $3.50 plus additional tax.”

Psh, who needs gun control? I can tell you who doesn’t need it, and I’ll give you a hint, it starts with “T” and ends with “exas”. But obviously it’s ridiculous to put restrictions on gun use and ownership, because people are reasonable and responsible. And pulling out one or more guns is a totally reasonable reaction to a price change that was probably a decree from corporate anyways. I’m sure his response would have been even more reasonable (read: bigger guns) if he was allowed to carry in a bar, because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that guns and alcohol mix really well.

And on a similar note, when I moved to Texas, I was shocked by so many things, but amongst them were the following – 1) On my first day of class, wait, not just first day, but very first class, after I walk in and say I’m in this class, some girl says “Oh! You just moved here? From where?” “Connecticut,” I reply. Her follow up question? It wasn’t “what’s your name” or “when did you get here”, it was “What religion are you?”; And 2) People in Texas were shocked that I had not a) ridden a horse and b) fired a gun. When would I ever have to do either of those in suburban Connecticut? I guess if I was a true yuppy, I would be big into polo and the biathlon (yes, you ski and shoot of course!). Anyways, that never made much sense to me.

“All three of his weapons were found to be air-powered and not firearms.”

Well that was kind of anti-climactic. If you’re going to be brandishing firearms… they should be actual firearms. Especially over something as important as burritos.

“Restaurant manager Brian Tillerson, 41, said his employees told him a customer was upset about the price of the Beefy Crunch Burrito.

“They did use to be 99 cents, but that was just a promotion,” Tillerson said. “He pointed a gun at me, and he fired it. I leaned to the side and there was a pop but nothing happened.”

Tillerson said the police later found a BB, but the following five minutes “were pretty crazy,” he said.”

Pretty crazy, huh? The other patrons must have been thinking “these burritos must be pretty effin’ good if this guy is willing to take out one of his guns, so I better get one. Wait, it was just a BB gun? He must not be a real Texan. Never mind then. Thank Lord Jesus Christ (he died for our sins) that this is one of those dual Taco Bell/KFC’s.” That’s verbatim from a Texan. I swear.

“The final incident in the burrito-triggered spree…”

Vegas has set the odds of this being in my obituary at 3:2. “Pulitzer Prize Winner” is set at roughly 400,000:1.

“Fewer than two miles away, at W.W. White Road and Hershey Drive, officers spotted the suspect and two patrol units pulled over the car, Benavides said. As the officers got out of their cars, the man got out of his car carrying the assault rifle in his hands and pointing it at the officers.

From there, the man sped off to the Rodeway Inn in the 200 block of North W.W. White Road just a few blocks away from Interstate 10.

It was about 3 p.m., and the man refused to come out.”

Mexican standoff! As in a standoff… wait for it… with a Mexican! San Antonio sounds like a downright lovely place.

“Sharpshooters climbed up on the roof of the Sky Line Food Mart next to the motel. Police blocked off W.W. White in both directions. They evacuated some nearby businesses and some of the rooms in the motel.

Through a megaphone the negotiator could be heard telling the man to pick up the phone.”

This seems like a completely reasonable response to a ridiculous man and his totally sane reaction to a price change. Glad we’re all on the same page.

Pictured above: Totally reasonable response

“No one needs to get hurt,” the negotiator said.

Around 6:30 p.m., and without a reply from the man inside, SWAT used tear gas to clear the room, Benavides said.”

Yeah, from what I hear, tear gas tickles! Doesn’t hurt at all!

Is that really the best tactic anyways? This guy clearly has a high threshold for pain. He was attempted to buy seven burritos at Taco Bell. Maybe he’s not immune to tear gas, but he must have intestines of steel. Or a large supply of adult diapers.

“Ricardo Jones, 37, was charged with two felony counts of aggravated assault against a public servant.

Jones was in the Bexar County Jail on bail totaling $50,000. No one was injured in the incident.”

Ricky… you’ve got some ‘scplaining to do!

“The weird thing is,” Tillerson said, “He was here a week ago around the same time last Sunday. He yelled at me then too.”

Really? That’s the weird thing? A guy buying 7 burritos or brandishing a weapon or a standoff near your restaurant isn’t weird, but some lunatic  being rude on more than one occasion is? Well, I give up.

Plus, what I noticed most from the story was the restaurant the SWAT team chose to sit on. The Home of the Original Jalapeno Fried Chicken? That sounds amazing! Why didn’t he just go there in the first place?

"Alpha squad is holding position on delicious. I repeat, on delicious."

Original story (sent to me by Mabeuf!): http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/local_news/article/The-Beefy-Crunch-Burrito-incident-1226571.php

Now the Official* Burrito Blog of the Washington Wizards!

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*Unofficial

Some of you may remember the sternly worded letter I wrote to the Baltimore Bullets Washington Wizards “basketball” team. I will spare you the details, but I highly recommend you go back and read it. I’ll wait… https://pinodegallo.wordpress.com/2010/05/14/a-sternly-worded-letter/

Welcome back. This resulted in the busiest day in Pino de Gallo history when I received a prompt response from the Director of Burrito Operations (DBO). His letter, and a breakdown of it, is posted here: https://pinodegallo.wordpress.com/2010/05/21/off-the-wall-john-wall-that-is-2/ Please go ahead and skim through that. Again… I’ll wait.

Man, you’re a slow reader. So a little while ago, I followed up with the DBO about when we could go. The day finally came, and with giddy, childlike excitement, Mabeuf, Jimmy James, Bonesaw, and yours truly headed down to the Verizon Center. There were pangs of nerves and hunger. We took plenty of pictures and I’m going to include some of the tweets I sent out during the game. (Tweets!)

 

Bonesaw & Jimmy - Top Notch Artists

Pregame Meal

The Javale McGee support system

Tweet: “Are you guys going to be embarassed if I start shouting ‘here we go wizards, here we go!’?” – Jimmy; the answer? Yes, we would be.

Much more picante up close
Also more picante up close
Nick “Forever” Young has never seen a shot he didn’t like

Tweet: Wow, the Director of Burrito Operations came through! Great seats! “HD doesn’t do Nick Young’s afro justice!” -Mabeuf
Tweet: Our first Epic Jafail moment… stupid goaltend. Then Nick “Forever” Youn drains a 3. Crowd around us not appreciating our signs… yet.

Although I didn't take this pic, I did see this in person

Tweet: Al Thornton just brought the house down with a RI-DIC-U-LOUS dunk!!

Then, the main event happened. Tweet: BURRITOS JUST DELIVERED TO THE 4 OF US @ OUR SEATS COURTESY OF THE WIZARDS & G-WIZ!

Burrito delivery service courtesy of G-Wiz

The guy on the left is the guy they planted to give us our burritos. We have no idea if we were on the Jumbotron because we were so excited at the prospect of burritos. My favorite part is the really confused guy in the Superman shirt. Not so super now, are you?

Burrito on the court!

Like Three Musketeers, but much more delicious

Tweet: So far Mabeuf & Bonesaw seem to have chicken burritos. My first 3 bites have been rice & beans.
Tweet: Ok, found the chicken! Delicious!

Living the dream

Lookin' good...

 

Sharing is caring!

 

Engrossed in the.... game... right

Tweet: “Wow, what a surprise: Mase finished his burrito before the rest of us got halfway through ours.” -Bonesaw. That’s why I run a burrito blog.

Better than the game

Tweet: “Ha there’s a kid w/ a signed Wes Unseld Bullets jersey in front of us. He must be a big Bul- uh Wiz- uh… DC basketball fan.” – Mabeuf

 

Sweet signed Wes Unseld jersey, bro

He's the foundation of our Yi-fense!

Tweet: Kiss cam may be my favorite part of every wizards game. Any way we could do this every quarter?
And with that, a bunch of white people on dance cam. Second favorite non-burrito related activity at a Wizards game.

 

The little white kids are funny because they get awkwardly excited & dance like they're having a seizure

 

Uh-oh, I think it's time to go...

Final Tweet: Uber successful trip to the game. Al Thornton’s career best dunk, a sweet Javale dunk, a 99-92 Wiz loss & burritos delivered to our seats

So, as you can see, it was a fantastic evening that exceeded our every expectations. I would like to thank the Wizards organization and the Director of Burrito Operations. Guess we can call it even now.

But wait! My beer wasn’t filled up to the top. This will not stand….

 

Mase & G-man. Boomtown.

Finally a reason to watch the Wizards

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Tonight, Pino de Gallo will be traveling to the Washington Wizards game at the Verizon Center as they host the Atlanta Basketball Hawks. In case you don’t remember, this will serve as the follow up to my sternly worded letter per the Washington Wizards’ Direct of Burrito Operations response (https://pinodegallo.wordpress.com/2010/05/21/off-the-wall-john-wall-that-is-2/)  I will be accompanied by Bonesaw, Mabeuf and Jimmy James McBeard. I will be tweeting from the game so be sure to follow me @PinodeGallo. I will be doing a write up of our experience and taking lots of pictures that will go up sometime next week.

John Wall! Javale McGee! Josh Smith! Joe Johnson! Joe Johnson’s contract! It’s the NBA in Washington DC!

 

 

Javale to the Chief, baby!

 

 

Hermanos Burritoing Hermanos

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The guys over at Kissing Suzy Kolber (a name which I love seeing as I’m a huge Jets/Joe Namath fan) posted this the other day in response to the growing fad called “Bros Icing Bros.” What? You haven’t heard of it? Well, I guess that means that you’ve managed to avoid frat boy douchebags, which is as impressive as completely avoiding the common cold. Anyways, it’s just as stupid as it sounds.  In fact, here is a rant by the same guy from KSK about Bros Icing Bros. (Thanks to Branick for the link!) 

I wanna kiss you... I couldn't care less about the team stru-guh-ling...

But I am not here to weigh in on the “brahsomeness” of “icing” your “bro.” I’m actually here to give props to KSK for the following:  

“Instead of icing your friends, we at KSK suggest you BURRITO THE SHIT OUT OF THEM INSTEAD.  

To quote KSK further (for those that don’t want to follow the link):  

It’s a relatively simple premise.  

1)  Buy a burrito. A nice one. With carnitas and everything.  

2) Find a friend.  

3) Present your friend with the burrito.  

Once presented with the burrito, your friend must take a knee and eat the burrito. No napkins are allowed.  

“But Drew,” you ask. “What if my bro refuses the burrito?” And my answer to that is SHUT THE FUCK UP. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD TURN DOWN A FREE BURRITO. BURRITOS ARE WONDERFUL AND FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND LIFE AFFIRMATION. ”  

I love this idea. Do I have any friends who are dedicated enough to actually “burrito” me? Or maybe I should be the one “burritoing” my “hermanos” seeing as I am the one with a burrito blog? I’m not sure, but either way, this is much better than Bros Icing Bros.  

And speaking of, I will end on this ABOMINATION….  

   

   

The Anti-Christ?

Who would ruin a burrito like that?!?!