Just what do each of these “sombreros” mean? Below is a breakdown of my grading system.
What I’m looking for (completely arbitrary and in no particular order):
– Quality of ingredients (freshness, flavor, etc)
– Size and how filling the burrito is
– Price (not necessarily cheap, but good value. I’d rather pay $9 for a large great burrito, than $4 for a crappy burrito)
– Menu variety
– Eating experience
– Other extracurriculars
5 Sombreros: The perfect burrito. Never before seen in the wild (only in that recurring dream I have where I’m eating a giant burrito and when I wake up… my pillow is gone!) and much like God, probably does not exist. The ingredients taste like they were made fresh right in your mouth. The burrito has achieved the Golden Ratio of flavors. Not over-priced, plenty of options. You’re willing to set up camp and sell your worldly possessions in order to get to its location. Most likely if you’re eating this burrito, you’ve sold your soul to the Devil, but you regret nothing…. NOTHING!
4.5 Sombreros: The Michael Jordan of burritos. It’s a straight up baller. Salsas, flavorful meat, delicious rice, it’s got it all. There’s a little something off though, and maybe you can’t quite put your finger on it. Maybe it costs $4 for guacamole. Maybe the burrito is the size of a MicroMachine. Maybe the chicken is just a tiny bit dry, or the salsa isn’t something to write home about. Either way, you inhale the burrito, get cravings constantly, and you are more than willing to go out of your way to get it. You rave about this burrito and carry around wallet sized pictures of it to show your friends and family. If it was legal, you’d heavily consider marrying it (probably legal in Vermont).
4 Sombreros: Great burrito, good value, and it feels like a treat when you get it. You can certainly pick a few nits with it, but you’re not going to be complaining while this baby is going down. You’re often saying, “Hey guys, let’s go to ____ and get some burritos!” and your friends are immediately on board, except for that one friend who is always a wet blanket and you don’t really like anyways.
3.5 Sombreros: A solid, above average burrito. It’s kind of like that girl or guy you dated for maybe a bit too long. Why? Because things were good…. but not great. You’re content that you ate it, but you’re not going out of the way to find it. There’s something missing from the burrito that is keeping it out of the 4+ Sombrero territory, but you enjoy it nonetheless.
3 Sombreros: Just above mediocre. Not amazing, but you’re not complaining. It’s good on occasion and the burrito equivalent of a wildcard playoff team. Makes the cut, but isn’t going very far. You’re happy to eat it, but won’t be in your dreams later that night.
2 Sombreros: Not a good burrito. You may be picking up this burrito because it’s the only thing available, or maybe it’s the lesser of two evils. Maybe that shady burrito cart on the corner is having dollar burrito day and you can’t turn that down (so that’s where all the stray cats went…). There is probably just one, and only one, reason you’re choosing to eat this burrito that day, but you try to make sure it’s not a regular thing and you’re not bragging about it.
1.5 Sombreros: A pretty miserable excuse for a burrito, or is exceptionally over-priced, or maybe even both. Maybe you’re desperate, or on a acid-fueled cross country trip with a talking coyote, and this is the best you can do. Could be worse, right?
0 Sombrero: An unfinishable, nauseating burrito. It may or may not literally be a turd wrapped in a tortilla… salsa optional.